Saturday, September 12, 2015

May I Take Your Order?

Every so often, the douche gods smile down on me and throw me a nugget.  And today was one such day.  I barely had to do anything for it to unfold either…I didn’t need to sit in any traffic, pay any tolls, get a babysitter, shave my legs, brush my teeth or even change out of my period panties (don’t shake your heads ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about).

So what exactly was this douche gift from the gods?  It was an OkCupid message from a 25-year-old lad whom I will affectionately refer to as “Fuck Nugget” to protect his online identity.  For the record, he was actually pretty cute for a 20-something; unfortunately for him, however, it’s just not my thing…the reason?  The following will make it quite evident…

Fuck Nugget:  I would love to be tickled by you.

[Internal dialogue:  Score!!!  I’m about to have a new blog post…]

Me:  Really?  Where?

Fuck Nugget:  All over.

Me:  What would I get out of it?

Fuck Nugget:  Hmm.  What would you like?  I can give you a nice massage and please you.

Me:  You are “such” a giver.

Fuck Nugget:  Can I come now?  You can strip me, tickle me on the bed and I will kiss you from head to toe, licking places….Whatever you like in return.

[Internal dialogue:  Wait…what??? He actually thinks he’s coming over?  Do people really do that shit?]

Fuck Nugget:  We both live in _________.  It would be fun.

Me (a bit puzzled):  So how exactly does this work?  You come over, I tickle your balls, you finger my asshole, and then you leave???

Fuck Nugget:  Yes.

Me:  I don’t even get to make you chicken nuggets and tater tots after?

Fuck Nugget:  Yes, you can do that too. 

Fuck Nugget:  Where am I coming to?

Me:  Sorry dude.  You sound like a whack job.  Thanks for the early afternoon entertainment.

Fuck Nugget:  Thought you were serious. 

[Internal dialogue]:  Really?  I thought for sure the chicken nuggets would give it away.]

Me:  Ummm. No.

Fuck Nugget:  Ok.  Sorry.

Me:  For future reference, I date men…not pre-pubescent boys.  Have a wonderful day!

Fuck Nugget:  I understand.  I apologize.

[Internal thought: he crying now?  If I see him around town maybe I should buy him a slurpee.]

And there you have it folks…want a side of fries with that???

Monday, September 7, 2015

Stop waiting for her to instigate a date...put on your big boy briefs and get a set of balls

from Twitter

September 07, 2015 at 07:38PM

A Case of Self-Sabotaging Blues

A dear friend of mine recently came right out and told me that the real reason I was single was actually because I wanted to be. I was a bit dumb-founded at her comment, but because she was literally first and oldest friend ever, I had to stop and really think about her observation.  I mean, for the last two and a half years of online dating, I truly did try and meet someone…not just someone, but approximately 80+ applicants for the role of being my boyfriend.  Of the whole lot, wasn’t there one that was right for me if I only gave it a chance?  I started thinking…

What if things had gone differently with Rodrigo, the brilliant, refined and established New York Times journalist who wrote a weekly column about economics?  He sounded dreamy with his by-line, Catalonian accent and steady job.  If only I missed the pot hole in the Manhattan street and didn’t have my brand new car’s tire shredded, perhaps I would have been able to sit and enjoy hearing Rodrigo complain about his bitchy, demanding editor rather than being on the phone with the towing company arguing about how much it would be to tow my car back to New Jersey even though my car company’s customer service told me it would be free.  Maybe I should not have left my keys inside the car when it got hoisted on the flat bed because then I would not have had to climb the truck in a dress and heels to retrieve the keys only to break out in a sweat, while Rodrigo was busy standing in the street playing on his phone and wondering whether he should take a yellow cab or walk the fifteen blocks to his house…that must have been the reason why he never called to make sure I got home okay after driving back to New Jersey at 12:30 am in the front cab of the tow truck with Jaba the Hutt, who, in addition to driving me home, so endearingly offered to tickle my asshole for a small tip.

Or, perhaps I shouldn’t have been such a shithead while on my date with the “mad shitter”, whose name I can’t remember for the life of me.  What if I told him I didn’t like Indian food and we instead went for Japanese?  Would that have kept him at the table so that we could get to know one another or would he also have gotten diarrhea and needed to excuse himself every two minutes to run to the shitter while I enjoyed my saag paneer and his lamb vindaloo alone?  Perhaps he saw my disappointment each time he returned to the table because I felt like he was interrupting the fine company and titillating conversation I was having with myself?  Maybe, just maybe, if I followed him to the bathroom and once he finished expunging whatever was left in his raw intestines I offered to wipe his ass with a package of baby wipes while he bent over and touched his toes?  Most surely this would have influenced his decision to ask me on a second date rather than tell me the next day when I inquired about his tummy that it wouldn’t work out between us because I had kids and he couldn’t imagine being in a serious relationship with someone with kids. 

Yes, my friend was right in that I purposely self-sabotage any prospects of finding myself a boyfriend.  I did it with Feel-Me-Up Felix, Close-Talker Claus, Limp-Dick Lou, Skid-Marx Mark, Broken Fingers Phil, Allergy Bob, Commitment-Phobe Farhad, Separated Stu, Newly-Divorced Don.  I did it with Fernando, the human rights emergency medical doctor that I had an online relationship with for over 1 year but never met because he was forever eluding our fateful meeting but then decided on the “one day” I had something planned for my birthday that I should jump on a plane at that moment to see him; what I selfish cunt I was for saying no.  And, yes, I did it with the pony-tail yielding tree hugger who invited me to Vermont and Panama following a three-day mini, but promising love affair, then uninvited me because he was too busy…how stupid of me to tell him to go “fuck a tree” when after two months of radio silence he sent me the sweetest message via smoke signals asking if he could see me because he took an impromptu trip to the area to visit his folks and had no plans…

When I look back on these events, perhaps there is truth in my friend’s words.  Perhaps all of these men would have been perfect for me if only, just only, I wasn’t such a douche and actually regularly got a Brazilian wax…oh, yeah, I did that too.