Every so often, the douche gods smile down on me and throw me a nugget. And today was one such day. I barely had to do anything for it to unfold either…I didn’t need to sit in any traffic, pay any tolls, get a babysitter, shave my legs, brush my teeth or even change out of my period panties (don’t shake your heads ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about).
So what exactly was this douche gift from the gods? It was an OkCupid message from a 25-year-old lad whom I will affectionately refer to as “Fuck Nugget” to protect his online identity. For the record, he was actually pretty cute for a 20-something; unfortunately for him, however, it’s just not my thing…the reason? The following will make it quite evident…
Fuck Nugget: I would love to be tickled by you.
[Internal dialogue: Score!!! I’m about to have a new blog post…]
Me: Really? Where?
Fuck Nugget: All over.
Me: What would I get out of it?
Fuck Nugget: Hmm. What would you like? I can give you a nice massage and please you.
Me: You are “such” a giver.
Fuck Nugget: Can I come now? You can strip me, tickle me on the bed and I will kiss you from head to toe, licking places….Whatever you like in return.
[Internal dialogue: Wait…what??? He actually thinks he’s coming over? Do people really do that shit?]
Fuck Nugget: We both live in _________. It would be fun.
Me (a bit puzzled): So how exactly does this work? You come over, I tickle your balls, you finger my asshole, and then you leave???
Fuck Nugget: Yes.
Me: I don’t even get to make you chicken nuggets and tater tots after?
Fuck Nugget: Yes, you can do that too.
Fuck Nugget: Where am I coming to?
Me: Sorry dude. You sound like a whack job. Thanks for the early afternoon entertainment.
Fuck Nugget: Thought you were serious.
[Internal dialogue]: Really? I thought for sure the chicken nuggets would give it away.]
Me: Ummm. No.
Fuck Nugget: Ok. Sorry.
Me: For future reference, I date men…not pre-pubescent boys. Have a wonderful day!
Fuck Nugget: I understand. I apologize.
[Internal thought: Shit...is he crying now? If I see him around town maybe I should buy him a slurpee.]
And there you have it folks…want a side of fries with that???