Sunday, March 23, 2014

For the Betterment of Mankind

We all know my pathetic dating life is entertaining to many, including myself.  Most recently, however, it has turned into fodder for my married friends who love to ask me, “So what’s going on with that guy?”  And, like Pavlov’s dog, my response has turned into an immediate, “Which one?”  By all means, I don’t answer this way in jest either.  Guys I “date” (I use that term very loosely) fly in and out of my life quicker than I change tampons on my most heaviest days – sorry for being crude, but it’s the best comparison for producing the dramatic effect most representative of my situation.  On any given day, I can’t remember which guy was the subject of which conversation with which friend…because generally what happens is that if I do meet someone I’m interested in seeing again (this doesn’t happen too often), before I’ve finished telling my friend about how great I think he is and how excited I am to go on another date with him again, he’s already hit “send” on “that text” (we all know which one that is). 

But I’d like to think of my dating debacles as my public service contribution for the betterment of mankind.  See, while guys think it’s funny when I write in my profile that I am on the site for “research purposes”, the fact is, that I am.  And, I’d like to think that through my last year of dating fieldwork, I am well on my way to earning a PhD in the Anthropology of Douche Bagging.  Being a researcher, however, one must research a particular subject and present the findings based on the research data collected.  Although I plan on writing a full dissertation on my findings after more intense research, I’d like to present to you with some of my findings thus far:

1.   Males species who have recently gone through a “separation” are to be avoided at all costs.  Despite what they tell you, they present acute symptoms of “newlysingleitis”…a condition that causes them to seek out unsuspecting women and woo them with false-intentioned dating rituals.  The subject’s goals in this is to make himself feel “desired” and that “he still has it” despite being in a loveless marriage for many years where he wasn’t getting any and he gained about 30 pounds.  He will repeatedly tell his dates that he "checked out" of his marriage years before and is completely over it.  This type of male will exhibit symptoms such as hiring a personal trainer, becoming a vegetarian, doing yoga, getting a stylist, waxing his back, eye brows and groin area and frequenting online dating sites hunting for younger, attractive women.  This male is not looking for a relationship in any way, shape or form.  Once these males sense that the female object of their desire is interested, the subjects will quickly retreat and whip out the pre-printed "I just got separated" card, which likely have the imprint of a condom as it is generally stored right next to it in his wallet.

2.     A most unique subject is the male species in the 19-22 year old category.  These boys suffer from an affliction I have labeled “cougaritis”.  “Cougaritis” presents itself with the following symptoms:  a propensity to use the term “hey” as a mating call; extreme eagerness to “score” including contacting proposed mates at all hours of the night to just “cuddle”; submissiveness (these subjects are agreeable to just about anything you will do to them; vomit and feces are no exception); and an inability to grasp that females of the opposite sex (in the 35-45 age range) do not find headwear tilted to the side, long plastic cups in fluorescent colors and their mother’s flowered shower curtain shown via typical shirtless, bathroom mirror photos as sexually stimulating.


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