Saturday, December 28, 2013

Kickin' ass and taking names...

Dear friends of the douche, as the new year is dawning, my gift to you is another entry for your turd-pushing reading pleasure…a former excerpt from my one-time profile on a popular online dating site…although it was initially written as a means for me to lash out from the injustices of the online dating world, the responses to it ultimately led me to develop this project and for that I am most grateful as 2013 comes to a close.  One caveat though…I have mostly maintained the integrity of the original piece, but have taken the liberty today to make some very minor changes based on some recent events…

“After desperately (and I do mean, desperately, i.e., 2-3 dates a week with every possible douche bag on here attempting to meet a decent, well-intentioned man who is easy on the eyes, can use a hammer without breaking my shit, is academically gifted, emotionally available and no longer living in his parents' basement, as well as someone who will see my photos, read a bit about my personality and achievements and fall madly and wholeheartedly in love me to the point that he would tattoo one of my many selfies on his forearm (notwithstanding the fact that I have been criticized by one member on here on multiple occasions for having too many selfies), I have only come to realize that my efforts have been fruitless in the traditional sense of why most of us are on here (or what I initially thought we were on here for). However, I have also found that this experience has allowed me to laugh at myself and my being "relationship"-challenged to the point where I am now starting to just take hold of it as if it were this living, breathing thing that in a distorted sort of way, is actually quite full of substance, gratifying and begging me to just embrace it and all of its musings...

Despite being criticized for where I live, for having kids, not having the right photos, not being dumb, not being "girly" enough, being a smoker, not being more “slender”, being an "older" woman, not looking to just "have a good time", hearing "there's nothing wrong with you, but..." and blown off on multiple occasions, including most recently, by a guy who likes to hang out in Brooklyn bathhouses and have fat Russian women with saggy tits whip him with eucalyptus branches because it’s good for his circulation AND a fake doctor with overly big muscles and, ironically, an overly small penis, I have, over the last 8 or 9 months, been avidly assembling a collection of my experiences - some in writing and some just sitting patiently in my head waiting for the right moment to make an entrance...[Eureka!!! The birth of douche bag manifesto.]

Don't get me wrong, I am a smart woman...I realize that what I am writing here is quite atypical for a profile piece in a online dating forum aimed at wooing men to Team Indigo Blue and clearly this will not help my initial "cause" of getting a diamond on my left ring finger...but as I mentioned earlier, fuck it...I am passed the point of wooing and I am now taking a bubble bath in cynicism with a glass of prosecco and a cigarette to boot (wait, wait...not just one cigarette...the whole damn pack is coming on in with me). Ultimately, I've figured it out...the yellow fucking brick road doesn't lead to Oz...it leads to a less than desirable dude without much in his middle pocket talking crap behind a curtain...well, here I am and I'm kickin' ass and taking names....”

No comments:

Post a Comment