Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
I really want to set the record straight about something for sake of any actual or presumed misinterpretation by my readers. Despite my rants about douche bags that I have openly associated with males (trust me, there are plenty of female douche bags out there and I don’t mean to discriminate but douche bags with vaginas can be someone else’s project), I do not hate men – quite the contrary. My propensity for being a douche bag magnet has nothing to do with what I really think of men in general, the opposite sex which I am utterly smitten by and, for lack of better words, rather addicted to.
But addiction is a strange thing – you know logically something may be bad for you, but for whatever reason (disclaimer: I am by no means an addiction specialist nor am I claiming to be one) you cannot refuse it if that very thing is presented in front of you and if it’s not readily available, it’s quite difficult to not think about it or crave it with the hope that once you do hold “it” again in your hands, it will recreate the initial bliss that attracted you to it in the first place. It is that climatic event that I am hereby dubbing the “addiction moment”. Whether or not that place is ever reachable again is debatable but it doesn’t stop you from ultimately seeking it and re-seeking it to bring you back to that very instance and experience.
At this point you are likely curious about my “addiction moment” which has since led me down the path to my current plight with douche bags and for which I am now spearheading the creation of a douche bag anonymous 12-step program…right? Right. And fortunately for you, I think I know exactly when and what it was because I happen to be incredibly in touch with myself (and, no, that is not a result of my lack of a sexual partner in way too many months). In all seriousness here though, it occurred at a very critical juncture of my life…my very first interaction with the touch of a human being, which like most women born in this region of the world during the 1970s, happened to be with a man...
Let me re-create here my “addiction moment” for you:
It was the summer of 1975 in Paterson, NJ. Comb over and all, the man of one million pussies and counting, the infamous Dr. R. strategically placed each hand on either side of my head and purposefully lured me from the abyss between my mother’s legs and straight towards him…or more accurately, his groin. There was nothing obscene or twisted with this gesture or his intent - he was doing exactly what he was medically trained to do - pull me out of her and towards him. Still though, keep in mind his positioning at the moment of my entre to the world…my mother lay on a hospital bed with legs wide open before him spewing obscenities at everyone and anyone around her; he stood before her tasked with extracting me from her jaws of captivity and out towards him which also happened to coincide with his groin area…the “by default” place I was heading, literally. And, to be clear, I was not resisting…if anyone knows my mother, she can only be taken in small doses, if that, so after 9 months of being held inside her, I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of there and if it meant going for the groin, well then the groin was the light at the end of the fucking tunnel and I was going for it with everything my 8 ½ pound being had (it just so happens that this would eventually metaphorically happen again years later…but I will leave that story to another time).
Now, although the “going-for-the-groin” wasn’t exactly my “addiction moment”, it definitely had some kind of psychological impact on me which years later has and continues to likely yield a nice contribution to the trust fund of my psychoanalyst’s secret son…but again, that’s not really the point of the story because the pivotal point is what actually happened after my birthing moment. Let’s return back to the scene:
Upon my release into the world and before I was able to at the very least have a moment to figure out where the fuck I was or even take my first solo breathe and hopefully get a whiff of the cigarette-laden air (again, being attached to my mom for 9 months, I came out desperately needing a cigarette), Dr. R. ceremoniously grabbed hold of my tiny body in one hand, raised me for display under the bright lights (in retrospect, likely the beginning of my exhibitionist tendencies), announced I was in fact a "girl", and in one sweeping gesture proceeded to slap my ass and make me scream…
Need I say more???
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Dear friends of the douche, as the new year is dawning, my gift to you is another entry for your turd-pushing reading pleasure…a former excerpt from my one-time profile on a popular online dating site…although it was initially written as a means for me to lash out from the injustices of the online dating world, the responses to it ultimately led me to develop this project and for that I am most grateful as 2013 comes to a close. One caveat though…I have mostly maintained the integrity of the original piece, but have taken the liberty today to make some very minor changes based on some recent events…
“After desperately (and I do mean, desperately, i.e., 2-3 dates a week with every possible douche bag on here attempting to meet a decent, well-intentioned man who is easy on the eyes, can use a hammer without breaking my shit, is academically gifted, emotionally available and no longer living in his parents' basement, as well as someone who will see my photos, read a bit about my personality and achievements and fall madly and wholeheartedly in love me to the point that he would tattoo one of my many selfies on his forearm (notwithstanding the fact that I have been criticized by one member on here on multiple occasions for having too many selfies), I have only come to realize that my efforts have been fruitless in the traditional sense of why most of us are on here (or what I initially thought we were on here for). However, I have also found that this experience has allowed me to laugh at myself and my being "relationship"-challenged to the point where I am now starting to just take hold of it as if it were this living, breathing thing that in a distorted sort of way, is actually quite full of substance, gratifying and begging me to just embrace it and all of its musings...
Despite being criticized for where I live, for having kids, not having the right photos, not being dumb, not being "girly" enough, being a smoker, not being more “slender”, being an "older" woman, not looking to just "have a good time", hearing "there's nothing wrong with you, but..." and blown off on multiple occasions, including most recently, by a guy who likes to hang out in Brooklyn bathhouses and have fat Russian women with saggy tits whip him with eucalyptus branches because it’s good for his circulation AND a fake doctor with overly big muscles and, ironically, an overly small penis, I have, over the last 8 or 9 months, been avidly assembling a collection of my experiences - some in writing and some just sitting patiently in my head waiting for the right moment to make an entrance...[Eureka!!! The birth of douche bag manifesto.]
Don't get me wrong, I am a smart woman...I realize that what I am writing here is quite atypical for a profile piece in a online dating forum aimed at wooing men to Team Indigo Blue and clearly this will not help my initial "cause" of getting a diamond on my left ring finger...but as I mentioned earlier, fuck it...I am passed the point of wooing and I am now taking a bubble bath in cynicism with a glass of prosecco and a cigarette to boot (wait, wait...not just one cigarette...the whole damn pack is coming on in with me). Ultimately, I've figured it out...the yellow fucking brick road doesn't lead to Oz...it leads to a less than desirable dude without much in his middle pocket talking crap behind a curtain...well, here I am and I'm kickin' ass and taking names....”